176.6
The highest number in over a decade. Seriously–how could you let yourself get here again? I questioned.
Instead of a Sunday morning Bloody Mary, I concocted my own toxic mental cocktail yesterday:
- 20 minutes of non-stop tears–pure, raw emotion
- Mixed with 2 heaping cups of fear-–If I keep this up, I ‘ll be back to 294lbs. in no time!
- Tossed with two large handfuls of overwhelm—I’m physically and emotionally exhausted–what more can I possibly do?
- Blended with shame—how can I help others when I’m not practicing what I know is right myself?
I landed right back smack-dab in the middle of obsessing over numbers again: the scale, my Fitbit, my food journal, the size on my pants’ label, and the data on the treadmill screen to name a few.
I am angry at myself–spitting nails angry–for giving the enemy power again.
Let me back up, sunshine.
When I returned from my 50×40 trip in October, I was actually content with my body and the number on the scale. I thought for sure being out of my element of my structured eating and my typical gym routine that I would’ve packed on the pounds and reclaimed my nickname,”Thunder Thighs.”
But that wasn’t the case.
My body changed–for better. Even though I had taken the month off of my typical fitness routine, my body was different–leaner and tighter–and now I was super-motivated that I had a jump start to get to the next level of results.
So in typical Frannie-Foltz-freak-out-fashion, I went into spaz mode–the crazy neurotic patterns when I attempt to gain control of things that are beyond my control.
With gusto, newfound goals and strict numbers-driven regimens such as calorie counting, 10,000 steps-a-day-by-10:00a.m., and 2-a-day-workouts 3 days a week, I was bound and determined to reshape my body and watch the numbers on the scale drop, and I was going to rock a size 8 holiday dress this year.
You can see from my Fitbit report that I came out of the November gates full-speed ahead, yet after the first week when I saw that the numbers on the scale didn’t win in my favor nor were my pants any looser, I upped the ante and vowed to be even more active and more strict with my calorie-intake. The same pattern occurred with each consecutive week.
No loss. Punish myself. Restrict more calories. Increase exercise. Repeat.
And now here we are. November 27 and I have another rock-bottom-melt-down-moment from a morning-weigh-in.
The irony of this is I know exactly what I am doing wrong, yet like Paul, I still continue to do the wrong thing despite knowing what’s right.
He writes in Romans 7: 15-19: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do…For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”
Here’s the deal, sunshine.
Weight is not just a numbers game. It’s not a smooth waltz of calories-in-calories-out. It’s not how many steps you track in a given day. It’s not eliminating entire food groups from your daily diet.
Weight is about what you are carrying spiritually and emotionally. Weight is an emotional connection to what you are putting in you mouth. Weight is about how you internalize your emotions. Weight is an emotional attachment. Weight is about “the why” you eat, not what you eat.
So here’s what I know: my current weight gain is completely based out of fear.
Fear of not being enough for my clients. Fear of being ineffective in the Facebook groups I lead. Fear of not being thin, healthy or pretty enough to find my future husband. Fear of not succeeding by worldly standards. Fear of not pleasing God because of my disobedience.
And so here I am, getting ready to embark on the final month of 2016, and instead of committing to a certain holiday sized dress or a number on the scale by January 1, I am committing this Advent season to indulging instead of restricting.
Like Advent suggests, I am waiting.
Waiting on God to build character in me that can only be tested by going through this dark night.
Waiting on God to deliver me from the strongholds that keep me captive to fear and disobedience.
Waiting on God to prepare my heart and mind to fully receive His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness.
And while I wait, I will indulge in patience, humility, gentleness, and forgiveness.
I can’t wait to see what I will gain from such lavish indulgence!
What gifts do you need to receive this Advent, sunshine? Share with me.
I look forward to experiencing this season with you, dear one,
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